Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I have a black belt in leather
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.