I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
You Might Also Like
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Haha! 😂
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.