Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?