What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
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If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.