Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
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My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.