Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.