Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
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*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun