Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Heroic Misunderstanding
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
No. He’s not coming out to play
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up