what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
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Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.