To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Our lord and savoury.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.