I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
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It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.