the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Squirrels before girls.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.