He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP