[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
You Might Also Like
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion