When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
(yawn)
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
🤣🤣🤣
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”