Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians