[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”