Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
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In banana years, I am bread.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.