I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
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surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.