Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
they really do be looking like this
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.