Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My dog after a walk in the woods.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend