Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.