Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason