Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
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I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
*me flirting
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.