“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Succinctly put.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
(Jupiter –
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.