I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically