I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
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I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Bring back the McRib
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋