Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You Might Also Like
That’s no pocket rocket.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Tell the colonel to bring it
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.