Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
me: my friends:
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created