What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what