“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”