I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Xylophonist Shredding It
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
what it’s like dating me:
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.