Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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*frowns in Scottish*
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.