Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End