My diet starts in January
of 2027
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Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Cheer up.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works