In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies