Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead