Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?