Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Canada has crack?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
the chicken was already gone when I got here