My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
You Might Also Like
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life