Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
You Might Also Like
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
bury ourselves
the short answer to this question
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
What
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.