NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
A great tip. #CakeRex
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
cat vs inanimate object
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot