No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.