Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
You Might Also Like
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I wish this was real life…
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.