[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host