Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
New Tinder profile.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/