my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.