I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.