Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
why would tinder want me to say this
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥