GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
somebody come look at this
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.